How falling in love with fashion changed my life

When I was a kid, my mom had to drag me out of a Macy's because I refused to leave without looking at the handbags first, still my top accessory to fawn over. When I was in kindergarten, I went to career day as a fashion designer, complete with a tape measurer around my neck and a bag full of my sketches. Throughout elementary school I'd doodle dress designs in class and bring them home to keep in my "fashion design folder." I sometimes wonder if my younger self would be proud of what I am doing now, and then I really sit back and think about how even though I'm not pursuing fashion design, I still took a design class, made my own pieces, modeled it down a runway, and now I write all about fashion and have helped produce the Katwalk. And that in itself, is little me's dream come true.

When I got to junior high, my sense of style faltered. I felt what most kids that age feel: the overwhelming need to fit in. All my life I had felt wrong or different from the other girls around me, but junior high was when it really began to effect me. So, I dressed like the other girls, the ones I admired, and the ones I wanted to be like. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it really only led me to feel more different because I wasn't staying true to myself and felt like an imposter.

This continued into high school, but around my sophomore year, I tried to branch out and play with different styles or dressing like girls I saw on Pinterest. But you know, people can be judgmental, and I severely lacked confidence, so when people would make comments about how what I was wearing was "weird" or "different" or "too much," I really look that to heart and strayed away from expressing myself. I just wanted to feel like I was pretty and fitting in.

By my senior year of high school, a lot of that insecurity got thrown out the window. It was the 2020-2021 school year so everything was so weird and different because of Covid. I wasn't in person at school all that much, plus had easier classes, and I picked up more shifts at work. I worked at a boutique, so I really got to feel pretty and dress up everyday. I got to wear cute outfits, with heels, and cute jewelry, and hair, and makeup, and I never got made fun of for that, because in this environment, it was seen as cool and stylish for me to dress and present myself this way. I even eventually worked my way up to being a sales lead and helped my manager do the visual merchandising with the store's floor-set and got to style mannequins. And at that point, I had gained the confidence to take backhanded compliments at school as just straight up compliments. Because when it came down to it, the people whose opinion really mattered to me, liked the fact that I had began to individualize my style. At this point in my life I also became much more outspoken in class compared to the last few years, and much more expressive in my art and writing. Reconnecting and exploring my style made me feel more like myself, more like an individual, and less like an imposter.

Once I started college, especially as a fashion student, this confidence began to grow. I continued to be outspoken in class and I continued to dress how I wanted. But this time, I was hyped up for it. Part of that came with being at a women's university where everyone has such a strong individualized personality and most had a very open mind, but also because I became surrounded by other people who loved fashion just as much as I did, and these people all got it. Got the hunger to stylistically express yourself and understood the need to try new styles.

My professor for my Apparel Construction and Analysis class, Carol, quickly became one of the most influential women in my life. She is an incredible sewist and designer and I learned so much from her. She was alongside me, hyping me up as I designed my upcycle piece at the end of the semester, enough so that she tried convincing me to switch to a design major, which I did consider. But the thing about Carol is that where most of my other teachers and professors saw a good student and dedicated learner, she saw right through me and saw that there was more beneath the surface. She probably doesn't know this, but she taught me that all that stuff buried within me was not something to be ashamed of, but rather something that would help me succeed. And now, even though I left the fashion department and transferred to a university 5 minutes down the road, she is still one of the most supportive instructors I've ever had when it comes to pursuing fashion and journalism.

Over the last year or so, my appearance has changed and for quite a long time, up until recently, it has made me feel incredibly insecure and "ugly." One thing I was able to stay true to despite the insecurity, and people expressing they don't love what I wear, and not constantly getting the hype I did from the fashion department, was my sense of personal style. Of course it occasionally slipped up and I didn't try as hard, but eventually I always found my way back. Without fashion inspiring me, I would have lost sight of my passions and spiraled back down into the pit of feeling like an "imposter" because I wasn't staying true to myself.

During July, my confidence has skyrocketed and I love who I am right now more than I have in years. And of course I know it isn't going to always feel that way, but for now, it does. I've spent years trying to deny the fact that maybe I am different from some people around me and not everyone is going to like me or think I'm pretty, but I've come to realize, that is a good thing, because it means I have a sense of individuality and that the people that are in my life are here because they like having me in theirs.

Especially over the last few weeks, I've become more comfortable with how my body looks and I love that my hair color is so close to my natural color. I love that I've been taking care of myself and I love that I've been reconnecting with my passions (ex. this blog). I've noticed how much more confident I've felt and it seems people in my life have noticed as well. Fashion has always been one of my biggest loves and one of the biggest ways I express myself, and I look back and feel that I always felt more confident and more inspired while wearing a killer outfit that I styled myself.

Pursuing fashion and my writing and getting to explore and expand that passion is all I could ask for and it is really pushing me forward into pursuing what I want out of my career. Fashion has boosted my self love, inspiration, expression, and it is something that'll be with me for the rest of my life. It has allowed me to show the world who I am but has also opened me up to a whole new world of ideas and opinions and incredible designers I get to see develop their own voices and forge their own paths.

Blair Waldorf said it best: “Fashion is the most powerful art there is. It’s movement, design, and architecture all in one. It shows the world who we are and who we’d like to be.”

I hope this didn't sound too "motivational speaker" like or too sappy, but it really has been something I've been thinking a lot about lately and I wanted to open up a bit and keep my promise to supply you guys with fashion and lifestyle content. So here is more of a glimpse into where my love of fashion comes from, and why it is something I am building my career around. While it can seem superficial, glamorous, and consumerist, there is a lot more to the industry below the surface. That is something I'm looking to explore and write about for you guys as well as interviewing up and coming design students.

I'll be back next week with part 2 of the Italy trilogy: Florence!

Talk to you then,

<3 Lainey